Starring M.L. Birdsall of
Don't Stop Believin' Records
TV: You are on Suzanne Somer's 200 ft. super yacht in the middle of the Puget Sound at a launch party for her latest work out gadget: the "Bingo Blaster". It is designed for ladies 30+ to tighten the pesky under arm flap so many of us develop over time. You are surrounded by total babes, 100 bottles of champagne, and a mound of dope. Nestled in the mound of dope is a pile of purring kitten-puppies, all of them staring innocently into your eyes. You hear the phone ring. Inhaling a cloud of indo smoke, you walk to the kitchen and try to decide whether or not to answer.
If you answer the phone, turn to
page 13.
If you ignore the phone, pick up a kitten-puppy to snuggle with, and strike up a conversation with Celine Dion, turn to
page 19.
If you jump the fuck off the super yacht into a life boat accompanied by a kitten-puppy in a life jacket, turn to
page 23.
MB: PAGE 23!
TV: It's a rough ride in the middle of the Puget Sound in the life boat, but at least it's motorized, with a week's work of food and supplies, and a warm kitten-puppy to keep you company. And there's cable television! You have decided to name your kitten-puppy Cooter. You and Cooter decide to get cozy and flip through the television channels to decide what to watch.
If you stop on E to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians: The Kardashians Take NYC in an episode where the triple K sisters are trying to jump start their Broadway musical career, turn to
page 28.
If you stop on MTV to watch The Jersey Shore in an episode where Snookie is snorting lines of self tanner off DJ Pauly D's latest zoo animal, turn to
page 34.
If you stop on MSNBC to watch The Rachel Maddow Show in an episode where Rachel interviews Sarah Palin and they switch eyeglasses, and trade cocktail recipes, turn to
page 38.
MB: Page 38!
TV: All of a sudden, your life boat starts spinning around and around. You find yourself down inside a magical mystical whirlpool portal. You and Cooter have been sucked into the television! You are inside the body of Sarah Palin, and you must complete the live interview on the Rachel Maddow Show. Mysteriously, Sarah Palin (you) are holding Cooter in his tiny life vest.
If Rachel asks, "What are the top three bands in heavy rotation on your I-Pod these days?", first answer the question, then turn to
page 47.
If Rachel asks, "I'm a little tipsy right now. Do you wanna make out?", first answer the question, then turn to
page 54.
If Rachel asks, "So your daughter, Bristol is on Dancing With the Stars right now. What song would you like to see her perform to?", first answer the question, then turn to
page 60.
MB: Yes I want to make out!
TV: You and Rachel Maddow make out, and then you get shot by a right-wing christian conservative in the audience. Turn back to
page 23.
MB: Okay, okay- [Birdsall decides to retract her previous answer, and instead answer "What are the top three bands in heavy rotation on your I-Pod these days?"]
Black Angels "Passover"
Isabel Baker "I Like God's Style"
Almighty Defenders
TV: Rachel Maddow responds saying, "Wow, that's fascinating! I'm a little tipsy. Let's make out!" You (as Sara Palin) proceed to tongue kiss the lovely and talented Rachel Maddow. Shots ring out from the live studio audience. A right-wing christian conservative is lashing out at your and Rachel's unabashed homosexual advances. Right before the bullet lodges into your (Sarah Palin's) brain, Cooter pulls you under Rachel's desk and back into the portal from which you came. You wake up back on the life boat in the middle of the Puget Sound.
If you decide to motor boat (no pun intended) back to your hometown of Vashon Island, turn to
page 65.
If the sound of your alarm wakes you from this dream, and winds you up answering actual interview questions about your record label, turn to
page 71.
MB: I'm sensing you are tired of thinking these complicated scenarios up, but I have to choose Vashon!
TV: You have returned to your hometown island of Vashon, Cooter in tow. You start up a record label and name it Don't Stop Believin Records. You end up putting out some of the most awesome PNW bands ever. Congratulations! Your adventure is complete!
Stay tuned for the latest DSBR release from
Triumph of Lethargy Skinned Alive to Death Some of us Are in This Together. Release Date: January 18th, 2010.
For now, feel free to download this TOLSATD single
Neighborhood Threat recorded in 2009
HERE.
